Break

My genes are far from being Chinese but when I woke up this morning, I felt like one. Or not really. It's more of...edematous...puffy! Oh well, it has been a while since I've had a whole afternoon and evening spent in cycles of crying and sleeping. And this is not me doing a quarter life crisis drama. I'm more of disappointed. Disappointed of people, friends, family, academics, and most especially myself. Or maybe just DISAPPOINTED WITH MYSELF (I have to accept this bold all caps statement so that I can attain this "intellectual insight" they call in psychiatry).

You see the thing is, you can't help expecting much from others because you're willing to do that much for them. Then comes the time they prove you wrong. And then they prove you wrong again. And wrong again. Wrong. And then you wake up with messages of apology. Overrated apologies. I'm tired of forgiving for now.

Sometimes it's just too much...to give and give and give and give and just give and give and give and absorb all the negativity around and listen and understand because that's what I'm expected to do... I have to accept the fact that I still have a lifetime to learn "how to give without counting the cost." Although I'm not counting cost, I'M JUST DRAINED. I badly want to tell them not to hold on to me for a while because I only have a little left. Let me save that for myself. Because right now, I'm not "strong." I'm faltering...and I have no one.